After watching the Saints blow some deep balls against rookie quarterback DeShone Kizer of the Cleveland Browns, I have to say that some dark images appeared in my mind. I began to think of the horror that could be the 2017 New Orleans Saints secondary. These dark images I saw within my own mind also made me think of one of my favorite shows of all time, Twin Peaks. In Twin Peaks there is a dark and sinister place known as “The Black Lodge.” Inside The Black Lodge, among other atrocities, you will find doppelgangers, evil versions of people who you may consider good and just human beings. I hope the Alan Michael doppelganger is never fully revealed to you all, but in an effort to give you a heads up, I feel it is alright for me to give you a glance at what The Black Lodge version of Alan Michael might be saying about the Saints if he were reacting to the Saints preseason loss to Cleveland…
The Saints are just like the city of New Orleans, trash disguised as a good time. Sure they can score with any team in the league, but their multiple 7-9 seasons in a row are all you need to look at to know that this team stinks. They are that mixture of urine, swamp air, and shame that you smell on Bourbon Street each and every single morning. Their defense is still garbage as proven last night when they made Cody Kessler look like Dan Marino and DeShone Kizer like Joe Montana. Damian Swann and Erik Harris in your secondary will do that. Camp stud Ken Crawley racking up three penalties will cause you to lose many games to even the most inexperienced passers. And don’t give me “they are only in there because it was a preseason game, derrrrrrrp!” Those guys will be starting in the Saints secondary all year long and you know it!
Does Sean Payton even want to win? Is this Mickey Loomis guy even concerned for his job? How can a defense be this awful for this long without any changes on the field or the front office? Are they trying to completely depress their poor fan base?
The secondary was supposed to be better but they cannot get any of the guys they added to the roster on the gosh dang field! It’s comical how P.J. Williams, a third year pro, has played about 45 snaps in his entire career! Their first pick of the draft this year is begging people on Twitter to believe him when he says his knee injury is minor. Yeah right buddy! You play for the Saints! If you hurt your knee as a cornerback, you might as well go see the ghost of Dr. Kevorkian because your career is dead. Delvin Breaux? Ha!
When the best thing to happen to your team in nearly a decade is watching your rival blow it in the Super Bowl, then you have truly embraced mediocrity. Jeff Fisher is the king of the 8-8 season, but he is gone. The joke is on Sean Payton and the Saints. 7-9 forever! Forever and 100 years Saints fans! Sean and the Saints 7-9 until the end of time and eons after that! 7-9 Saints! Seven and nine!
– Black Lodge Alan Michael
I understand that was not pretty. I apologize for everything my doppelganger just said. The Black Lodge can only affect our reality if we let it.
– The Real Alan Michael