One of the fun approaches to take as a fan of the NFL is to hate every team that is not your team with a burning passion. I subscribed to this philosophy for many years but since moving to the south where everyone is more polite, I have learned to be more a gentleman when it comes to fanning. This doesn’t mean I do not despise certain teams. In fact, I still cannot stand most of these garbage teams featuring human sphincters for head coaches and Mariah Carey certified divas. The crap that come out of the mouths of NFL players and coaches is second to none when it comes to pro sports and already this preseason there are multiple teams that have given us plenty to be pissed off about.
Let us begin with the runny diaper that is the Cleveland Browns. Jarvis Landry claims that this team is capable of winning a Super Bowl. Head Coach Hue Jackson has said that this Browns season will go down as one of the greatest turnarounds in sports history. I do not know if it is because that cocky S.O.B. Baker Mayfield is in town or if Cleveland is trying out this new thing they’ve never had called “confidence,” but the Browns are already irritating as hell and I cannot wait for them to be made humble in the first two weeks by two teams worthy of that kind of confidence in the Steelers and the Saints.
Another team that has given us that same feeling you get when you step on a big piece of Bubble Yum is the New York Giants. Odell’s contract, Eli’s lawsuit, Saquan Barkley’s hammy; it never ends with the drama and nonsense in New York. The thing that really pisses me off about this team is that they have weapons like OBJ, Sterling Shepard, Evan Engram, and Saquon Barkley; but they’ve put about the same amount of investment Eli Manning puts into memorabilia fraud; none whatsoever. “We have an offensive line that got all of our players killed last year, let’s draft a running back first!” Jagoffs.
The Los Angeles Rams are on the wrong nerve too. Since moving to L.A., the Rams have displayed classic behavior of a Midwest pageant girl who moved to Hollywood for their big break. The Rams ditched St. Louis, got a lucky break in Hollywood by getting cast in a young Head Coach’s innovative offense and now they are sleeping around with every big name who will let them. Aqib Talib, Ndamukong Suh, Brandin Cooks, Marcus Peters; this is not going to result in the Rams winning a Super Bowl. All this free agent love is going to get them is an itchy crotch and bunch of contracts they don’t want. Yet while they get with all of these flashy names from other teams, L.A. has ignored the co-star who made them the sexy pick for 2018. Pay Aaron Donald you fools! Before he’s gone and you’re playing your games in the San Fernando Valley exclusively on websites like Redtube and xhamster dot com!
While these might not be the teams to hate the most, these teams are giving me preseason headaches. Whether it is organizational stupidity, lack of self awareness, or silly 5-0 preseason victories, add these three to the long list of teams that already piss me off on a consistent basis. I am looking at you New England, Baltimore, and Cincinnati. You might have some teams you traditionally despise as well, but the thing about the modern NFL is that we get so much more of all the other teams; whether on social media or on reality TV, that we get to hate them too! Get worked up and get angry. Football is almost here. If you have hate in your heart for a team, let it out!
– Alan Michael
The @Browns beat the defending Super Bowl champions! pic.twitter.com/QgBoxCEU4J
— SNF on NBC (@SNFonNBC) August 24, 2018