Earlier this week, a young man began his pledge into an exclusive golf fraternity. The following is a transcript of that meeting …
Welcome to your initiation day.
My fellow bros, you are standing in front of us today because you are not satisfied with simply watching the world’s best golfers compete in a tranquil and picturesque setting. You have no desire to give a respectful golf clap following a drained birdie putt or great tee shot by your favorite golfer.
No, sir, you are different. You ignore those volunteers with their lame be quiet paddles, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs in the most obnoxious and inebriated way possible, “GET IN THE HOLE!”
That’s why you have been selected to pledge to join G.I.T.H. — “Get In The Hole” fraternity.
I am the GITH Louisiana Chapter President — Brother Trevor, and I am joined by GITH Georgia Chapter Vice President — Brother Chad, aka Brother Chugger. We are here to see if you have what it takes to be a GITH bro.
Let me tell you when we became GITH bros.
It was the 2015 Waste Management Phoenix Open. Chugger and I left our nagging wives and young kids at home to party it up in the desert for a guys’ weekend.
There we were with our fellow bros, J-Will and Tripp, and we were behind the ropes on the 16th tee box, and Tiger Woods came up. Bro, after he hit that tee shot, we all screamed “GET IN THE HOLE!” I mean, he didn’t hole out the shot or nothing, but bro, we were there helping Tiger!!!
We are everywhere. Did you see us in St. Louis last weekend for the BMW Championship? Yeah, that was us representing that GITH life when we screamed encouragement at Scottie Scheffler or Robert MacIntyre.
From major championships to Korn Ferry Tour events, we are a loud and proud fraternity of golf bros. Now, let’s open it up to questions.
PLEDGE BRADEN: How do I become a GITH bro?
BROTHER TREVOR: It boils down to five easy steps, bro.
1) Your wardrobe for tournaments must include a Peter Millar or Vineyard Vines polo shirt with the collar popped up, khaki shorts with a belt, a visor, overpriced sunglasses, and don’t forget about the white shoes with no socks or Crocs with socks.
2) You must be drinking at least two six-packs of Natural Light. Now, prospective bro, if the PGA Tour tournament doesn’t have Natty Light chilling on ice, then Bud Light or Michelob Ultra is allowed.
3) You must be constantly using your cell phone to talk to other bros on the course, or uploading videos of you or your fellow bros screaming “GET IN THE HOLE!” It is essential to recruiting the next generation of GITH bros.
4) You must be willing to leave your wife and children behind for 20-plus weekends of the year, and max out your credit cards to attend tournaments. Look bro, are you going to choose the Zurich Classic in New Orleans or your wedding anniversary? Easy choice.
5) Finally, you must also be locked in to yell “GET IN THE HOLE” on putts, chip shots, approach shots, and tee shots. Even tee shots on 510-yard Par 5s. No excuses. You’ve got to want this!!!
PLEDGE BRADEN: So what if the golfer on the course is not a bro we love? Do we stand behind the rope and be quiet?
BROTHER TREVOR: Hell no, bro. First off, if you need to hit the port-a-potty, then you do that. Get yourself another Natty, and then you go and distract the golfer.
PLEDGE BRADEN: How do you do that? Do we curse at them?
BROTHER CHUGGER: The bros of the GITH New York Chapter stepped up at Shinnecock Hills this year by yelling “Get In The Bunker” to both Rory McIlroy and Wyndham Clark during the U.S. Open. CLASSIC!!!
PLEDGE BRADEN: Didn’t they get kicked off the grounds?
BROTHER TREVOR: Yeah, but it is so worth it, bro. Rory and Wyndham were so pissed, and our fellow bros got on TV, or at least were talked about on TV.
PLEDGE BRADEN: Hmmm, okay.
BROTHER TREVOR: I get it. Maybe you don’t want to be mean because you’re not old enough to have lost a parlay bet on Cameron Young or Jordan Spieth finishing Top 5 at the John Deere Classic. Okay. Then, bro, you make it fun and about you getting on TV.
PLEDGE BRADEN: How do I do that?
BROTHER TREVOR: You honor one of our brothers — former California Chapter President Andrew Widmar and scream “MASHED POTATOES.”
BROTHER CHUGGER: CLASSIC!!!
PLEDGE BRADEN: Hmmm. Why mashed potatoes?
BROTHER TREVOR: I don’t know, bro, but Andy got on TV. That guy is a LEGEND!!!
BROTHER CHUGGER: Bro, you could also try to snag a photo of an alligator. Do you remember that time at the Zurich…
BROTHER TREVOR: Bro, you know we are not legally allowed to talk about what happened.
PLEDGE BRADEN: Is there anything else we can scream?
BROTHER CHUGGER: You can scream “Baba Booey!”
PLEDGE BRADEN: Why would you scream the catchphrase from the sidekick of The Howard Stern Show?
BROTHER TREVOR: Because it is hilarious, bro.
PLEDGE BRADEN: Is it, though?
BROTHER CHUGGER: Yeah, bro.
BROTHER TREVOR: Remember, pledge, as you head out to the course this weekend at East Lake Golf Club for the TOUR Championship, remember the GITH mantra. “Balls go further when we yell and yell often, bro.”
BROTHER CHUGGER: “GET IN THE HOLE, BRO!”
Raymond Partsch III is the co-host of “RP3 & Meche” which is broadcast weekdays (11-1) on ESPN 103.7 Lafayette and 104.1 Lake Charles — Southwest Louisiana’s Sports Station.