Late Tuesday night, a support group for lying college coaches held its weekly meeting. The following is a transcript of that meeting where the group welcomed a new member.
ROBERT: Welcome to Liars-Anonymous: One Lie at a Time, a support group for big-name college coaches who get caught in public lies. Please help yourself to some coffee and snacks and pull up a chair. But let’s go ahead and open up our meeting with our affirmation.
“I’m a college coach who has blatantly lied. I will never stop being dishonest with the media, players, and administrations, and that’s OK.”
Now let’s welcome our new member, James from College Station. Sorry, from Austin. Welcome James.
JAMES: Hello, my name is James and I am a lying college coach.
GROUP: Hello, James!
ROBERT: Why don’t you tell us why you are here James, and remember, this is a support group. There is no judgment here.
JAMES: Well … after leading my school to the verge of its first national championship, I gave a tongue-lashing to a reporter for asking me about our arch-rival’s coaching vacancy.
ROBERT: What did you say?
JAMES: Well … I said “I left my family to be the head coach at Texas A&M. I took the job at Texas A&M to never take another job again, and that hasn’t changed in my mind. That’s unfair to talk about something like that. … I gave up a big part of my life to come take this job, and I’ve poured every ounce of my soul in this job. And I’ve given this job every single ounce I could possibly give it. So write that.”
GROUP: Good for you. The media is a bunch of vultures.
JAMES: Well … I decided to take that job the next day, and I am taking all of my staff with me and it has been in the works for weeks.
GROUP: Oh.
ROBERT: That’s tough. Not going to lie — no pun intended — but that is going to stay with you forever. But you will survive. Would someone else like to share their story of public deception with James?
THOMAS: Hello, my name is Thomas and I was a college coach and liar. My big public lie happened the night before this game called the Egg Bowl. I was sick and tired of all the speculation about Auburn hiring me. I had enough so I blurted out on my radio show the night before the game, “Listen, they’re going to have to carry me out of here in a pine box. I love this place.” Of course, that was a big ole lie because I took the job on The Plains a few days later. I guess I didn’t love it that much. Am I right? Ha. That pine box thing has followed me ever since but people really don’t care all that much about me lying, I mean I am a United States Senator now.
ROBERT: Thank you for sharing, Thomas.
NICHOLAS: I don’t know why I’m here, aight!
ROBERT: Do you have something to share, Nicholas?
NICHOLAS: Yeah. Aight. I mean yeah I once said “I’m not going to be the Alabama coach” and I then took the job, aight. But that was a long time ago, aight? People keep bringing up all the time. It’s worse than rat poison, aight!
ROBERT: Calm down, Nicholas. Remember this is a safe place and you are retired now.
TODD: I mean I don’t know why I am here either.
THOMAS: Come on, buddy? Didn’t you call your assistant coaches “nothing but mercenaries” when they left your program for a better job, and then a few weeks later you left to take that job out in the desert? And wasn’t that like your fourth job in seven years?
TODD: (Moment of Silence) Yes.
GEORGE: Friendly piece of advice my friend. I would also make sure my resume isn’t padded with any lies. In my experience, administrators don’t take too kindly to you saying in your biography that you earned three letters in football but you never played a game. Who knew that was a problem? And they don’t like when you claim to have received a master’s degree from a made-up university either.
JAMES: Thanks, guys. This makes me feel like I am not alone.
ROBERT: Anytime James. This is what we are here for. We are a brotherhood of immensely well-paid coaches who can’t help but lie. Because it is a fundamental part of the job. We lie to prized recruits about playing time or caring about their academic success. We lie to the media about the reasons behind player benching and suspensions or injuries. And of course, we lie to everyone about bolting for another job. It’s who we are. It’s how we are built.
I spent years secretly interviewing for other jobs while proclaiming how much I loved the place where I currently was coaching. I even once signed a 10-year contract extension with a school, told the media “I wanted to make sure everyone understood — I know I’ve said it — that this is where I want to be, where my family wants to be. But I want everyone to really believe it.” Less than six months later I left for the NFL, and then quit on them via a letter posted in the locker room during the season. Yet, athletic directors kept hiring me.
JAMES: Wow. That’s impressive.
ROBERT: You have no idea. I then wrecked my motorcycle with my secret mistress — who worked in the athletic department, lied about the mistress, paid her off, and lied to the athletic director about all of it. Yeah, I got fired but two more programs hired me as head coaches.
JAMES: That is … something.
ROBERT: So yeah. You lied about taking another job. You berated a media member and pissed off the entire fan base … so what? That’s just normal coach stuff. Did you get a pay raise? Thought so. Okay, everyone. Let’s end our time together with our affirmation.
GROUP: “I’m a college coach who has blatantly lied. I will never stop being dishonest with the media, players, and administrations, and that’s OK.”
Raymond Partsch III is the co-host of “RP3, D-Loh & Meche” which is broadcast weekdays (11-1) on ESPN 103.7 Lafayette and 104.1 Lake Charles — Southwest Louisiana’s Sports Station.