Time to burn the NFL to the ground! 32 scalding hot takey takes on all 32 teams! Straight blazin’!
32. Cleveland Browns – First Energy Cleveland Browns Stadium might as well be a big confessional booth these days. It’s where Cleveland fans go to rid themselves of the guilt of rooting for good teams in the Cavs and Indians. These people are not comfortable with winning.
31. San Francisco 49ers – Not since Hacksaw Jim Duggan has 1 man gotten than many people to chant “USA! USA! USA!” like Colin Kaepernick will. The Niners suck but could save face with an alternate red white and blue jersey. America’s new team. #FreedomOfSpeech
30. Da Bears – Hoyer broke his arm and Matt Barkley was in there to make sure Aaron Rodgers was in the right position every possession to get his groove back. Mission accomplished! Thursday Nite Football is the best!
29. The NY Jets – Geno Smith is now their starting QB. Woof.
28. Miami – A boy named Suh kicked Big Ben in the knee last week. He should be fined and suspended but he didn’t celebrate so the NFL won’t do a thing.
27. Jacksonville – England’s team was the most overrated over-hyped free agent fiesta this off season. If you wanted to pick a sexy new team to shake things up you should’ve listened to me and picked the Raiderz dog.
26. Tampa Bay – They beat Atlanta in Week 1 and I can’t figure out whether that means this team is capable of beating good teams or if that just means Atlanta is overachieving. Jameis to Evans all day, all the time, no matter what.
25. Indy – No lead is safe. Andrew Luck is not safe. Somebody will finally be fired soon.
24. Baltimorons – 3 losses and counting. The worst 3-0 team of all time will suffer their worst loss this week when Hooplehead Geno and the Jets beat them.
23. Carolina Panthers – Drew Brees is the reaper and took Cam’s soul. Rest in Peace NFC Champs.
22. The Bungles – Andy Dalton isn’t red because he is a ginger. This season he’s been beaten, battered, victimized and conquered by virtually every defensive line he has faced.
21. New Oilers – Mariota shows flashes of greatness and if he finds any kind of consistency this team can contend in the worst division in the universe.
20. Old Oilers – Bork Ooswiler will go down as one of the biggest free agent busts but the fact of the matter is this team’s defense is good enough to carry them to an AFC South title. Good at home too.
19. L.A. – I do not know how they score points on offense but they have the best player in the league not named Ben Roethlisberger in Aaron Donald. A true pleasure to watch play tackle football.
18. Detroit – Jim. Bob. Cooter.
17. San Diego Super Chargers – The best at blowing leads but also one of the best at being annoying and not going away until late. Phillip Rivers throws like a dork but such a grinder. I can’t help but feel sorry for this whole city and this team. They try so hard. If only they were in the AFC South.
16. Who Dat? – The team that can beat anybody and lose to anybody. Smack dab in the middle for a reason because you just don’t know what level they will end up on until the end of the year.
15. Iggles – The honeymoon is over for Carson Wentz but at the same time the Eagles defense is very underrated.
14. Packers – Rodgers found his smile against Chicago but can he keep it? He needs to be Brett Favre the rest of the year now that they are down to a gumband and toothpicks at running back.
13. Chiefs – With one of the league’s best schemers in Andy Reid; even with a candy armed quarterback this team has defense and the smarts to take the division from Denver.
12. Arizona – As long as they don’t ask Palmer to do too much and their all world secondary makes splash plays, they are a contender in the NFC.
11. New York Football Giants – The OBJ drama is the biggest distraction of the year but if anyone can handle it, it’s Eli.
10. Washington – They have won 4 in a row but they are so bland on defense and Kirk Cousins is such a goober I would not be surprised if they finish last in the East.
9. Buffalo – On a roll since firing their O.C. but Shady is hurt now, so they’re screwed. The last hope in the East to contend with the Belicheats but that ain’t saying much.
8. Las Vegas – Lost at home last week and won’t find dominance this season but they are without a doubt, top to bottom one of the most talented teams in the NFL.
7. Atlanta – Their QB is playing MVP football right now and their defense is bending but not breaking; but the whole team will eventually. We all know it.
6. Denver – The Trevor Semien experiment is about to explode in everyone’s faces up in Mile High. They just cannot score enough points.
5. Seattle – Not so sure about Russell Wilson playing at 75% but the cream of the NFC the last 5 years will not go quietly into the nite.
4. Pittsburgh Stillers – No Big Ben, no problem. They are in the same situation New England was earlier in the year. All they need to do is keep pace in the crappy North and wait for Ben to ride back into the lineup on his motorcycle (sans helmet of course!).
3. Big D – DP has been amazing up until this point but let’s see how he reacts to the extra pressure of being called an MVP candidate and Romo getting healthy.
2. New England – Cheaters.
1. Minnesota – Undefeated.