*****WARNING: THIS TAKE IS VERY HOT AND FULL OF MELVINS*****
In a world full of jabronies, marks, and busters, we feel it is our duty as the media to call out these jabroni mark busters each and every week. That is why the Alan Michael Show crowns “The Jabroni of the Week” every single Friday. While it’s not a good thing to be a jabroni, being a jabroni is not eternal. You can fix it. You can change if you are a jabroni or do something that makes you a jabroni. A Melvin however, is a completely different thing and it is a label that sticks with you forever. The difference between a jabroni and a Melvin is simple; a Melvin is someone who just does not get and never will. A Melvin is a wedgie of a human being. The pulled up tighty whitey in the crack of humanity. Today we distinguish those who are Melvins from those unfortunate jabronies who get lumped in with them. These are the top five biggest Melvins out there today.
Number five on the list is Dan Snyder. The owner of the Washington D.C. football team has the type of face that just deserves to be dunked into a toilet bowl. Refusing to change the racist team name aside, this Melvin is on the list because he is a perpetual loser. His teams don’t go to the playoffs and he tries to manipulate local D.C. into putting him and his crappy team in a good light. Dan Snyder is a grade-A Melvin of the highest degree.
The fourth biggest Melvin you will find out there today is the NBA’s biggest coward and taker of the easy road. I am of course talking about Kevin Durant. The Durantula earned Melvin status the second he bailed on the team that gave him plenty of tools to win in OKC. He was playing with another legit MVP candidate in Russ Westbrook and it still was not enough for this whiny Melvin. Millenials are often criticized for not wanting to work for success and Kevin Durant did his generation no favors when he decided winning with the Thunders was just too difficult to accomplish. KD is a good example of a good guy becoming a Melvin because of his Melvin decisions.
Number three on our Melvin countdown is a guy even more desperate and lame than Kevin Durant. His name is Dwight Howard. Dwight Howard has spent his whole career as a Melvin. From egregiously comparing himself to Shaq while a member of the Orlando Magic, to complaining about playing with Kobe Bryant, to moving to Houston and learning nothing from Hakeem Olajuwon; Dwight Howard is the biggest Melvin in all of basketball. He’s the perfect example of someone who worries way too much about image and “haters,” and worrying about what others think about you is a classic Melvin thing to do.
Coming in at number two on the Melvin list is a nice guy who tries hard but what he did to the football fans of America this past February will never be forgiven. I of course am talking about Matt Ryan. Matt Ryan was nowhere near the top five until just a few months ago on that terrible night where he egregiously blew a 25 point lead to the New England Patriots in Super Bowl 51. Matt Ryan is forever a Melvin in the eyes of myself and the millions of people who despise the cheating Patriots. In fact, Matty Ice is such a Melvin that from here on out I refuse to ever call him Matt. He will be known as Melvin Ryan on this show forevermore.
And now for the biggest Melvin of them all. The King of the Melvins, Roger Goodell. From his stupid suits to his stupid Melvin face, Roger Goodell is everything wrong with the world and everything that makes a Melvin a Melvin. He is punch-able. He is greedy. He has done too many things to list in order to explain the reasons for his Melvin-ness. Roger Goodell is the biggest Melvin of them all and it isn’t even close.