It is officially Week 5 in the NFL, a week many people try to cover the eyes during because of how graphic and hard to watch it can be. Think about it. Week 5 is the start of the second quarter of the NFL season and with that comes the early end for multiple teams. Having three losses in the first five weeks can be a death sentence. Having four losses in the first five weeks IS a death sentence. This week in the National Football League, there will be many holes for many souls and 2018 will be over before it felt like it got started for some teams.
Before we talk about the damned, I want all the one loss souls still enjoying their mortal flesh to take a step back and appreciate how blessed they truly are, because when you think about it, even the 3-1 teams are moments away from being in the unenviable position some of these teams are facing. The New Orleans Saints at 3-1 are only a couple bad field attempts and a defense plagued with injuries in Atlanta away from being a three loss team. The Tennessee Titans have won three games by three points apiece and could easily be winless. The margin between your feet being on the soil and your feet being under the soil is as tiny as the worms that will be invading the bodies of some of these poor bastards after Week 5.
Deus auxilium ultra in eis.
As these teams walk into the valley of the shadow of death, after Week 5 we will take a look at their records and realize there is nothing left for them in this season. The putrid Buffalo Bills have lived a season of misery. Their short life had at least one glimmer of hope with a shocking upset win over Minnesota. After a 4th loss this weekend against Tennessee, may the Buffalo Bills rest in peace. Matt Patricia’s honeymoon in Detroit may end in horror when his Lions face the end versus the “Axe Murderer” Aaron Rodgers in Week 5. May the Detroit Lions and their 1-4 record rest in peace. Sam Darnold and the Jets, Derek Carr and the Raiders, and CJ Beathard’s 49ers; may you all rest in peace as your 2018 seasons become sacrificial lambs to the slaughter for the brighter future for your franchises. May the Houston Texans go down with smoke coming out of their their pistols as they battle the Dallas Cowboys for the great state of Texas as well as avoiding the fate of those souls that still haunt the Alamo.
Last but not least, please pray for the Atlanta Falcons as they face eternal damnation in the city of Pittsburgh. No team has gone down swinging harder than Atlanta with their 36 points scored just about every week. But just because you took a lot of the enemy out during a battle, does not mean you won the war. Atlanta has learned this the hard way because even decimated enemy defenses, they have suffered three devastating casualties and Sunday in Pittsburgh could be the steel nail in their coffin. When the Dirty Birds are dead and gone, Saints fans will remember them fondly as righteous opponents who always gave it a good fight but ultimately did not belong on the 2018 battlefield.
Week 5 begins to tell the greater tale of our season, but as it is with all beginnings, the end most come for something else. Not all, but most of these teams will see the abrupt end. As tribute, I know ask all of my NFL brothers and sisters to please take a glass of fine Proper 12 Irish whiskey and pour just a tad out for the doomed as we step into Week 5. May all of these poor unfortunate souls rest in peace.
– Alan Michael