BATON ROUGE — Have you heard of the new drinking game sweeping through Louisiana?
Every time something embarrassing, utterly ridiculous, and mind-numbingly moronic happens involving the LSU football team or the athletic department, you take a shot of alcohol. Whether your poison is a barrel-aged whiskey, cheap corner store vodka, or even Jägermeister, it does not matter my friend.
The only thing that counts is you’re now taking part in “Bayou Buffoonery,” the official drinking game of Tiger fans.
In the past few weeks, this trending contest has become such a sensation among purple and gold fanatics that every day feels like they are waking up with their arms wrapped around the porcelain throne. That’s significant considering that Louisiana has more than your average number of adults who already excessively drink.
A day after being embarrassed by Texas A&M inside Death Valley on Oct. 25, LSU head coach Brian Kelly and athletic director Scott Woodward met to discuss shaking up the coaching staff.
Things don’t go well.
Hours later, Governor Jeff Landry met with boosters and the LSU Board of Supervisors and discussed the future of BK and Woodward. Then news came out that BK was axed. His buyout is the second largest in college football history at nearly $54 million.
Just taking a guess here, but it’s probably why Woodward wasn’t invited to Landry’s pow-wow of yes men.
Hold it! Take a shot. This is fun, right? SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
Two days later, Landry – channeling Huey P. Long – held a press conference to discuss SNAP benefits.
But he quickly veered off the road, perhaps from too many shots of this drinking game, to rip into the BK buyout and sports agents. And then, he disparaged Woodward’s character, stating he would not be hiring the next football coach.
Landry also spit out inaccurate information about Jimbo Fisher and BK sharing the same agent and Woodward being responsible for Fisher’s buyout at A&M.
OK, stop here. Catch your breath. Take two shots. Getting buzzed? Maybe a little dancing in the office. How about some off-key karaoke? Good times, am I right? SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
Now, hop aboard the ignorance train. There’s so much more to see and hear, and plenty of shots left in the bottle.
The following day while making the rounds on national television shows and Louisiana radio shows, the governor doubled down on his takes and then added the nugget about LSU’s chances of making the Bowl Championship Series (BCS), which was last used in 2013. The LSU situation has quickly devolved into a southern soap opera written by Tennessee Williams.
Take another shot. Don’t really feel like dancing anymore, do you? Where’s the bathroom? SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
Yahoo Sports then reveals that animosity between the governor and Woodward is rooted in Woodward’s opposition to Landry’s desire to rehire former LSU men’s basketball coach Will Wade. Woodward fired Wade in March 2022 due to NCAA infractions.
Later that day, Woodward, who hired coaches that won four national titles but missed on the football hire, and LSU decide to mutually “part ways.” Woodard’s buyout is $6 million.
Take another shot. You have now become a human still. SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
The very next day, LSU puts together a press conference with interim athletic director Verge Ausberry, Board of Supervisors Chair Scott Ballard and LSU board member John Carmouche. Not surprisingly, no one really states anything about the Woodward situation.
But the message is clear that they will be hiring the coach, even though they don’t have a permanent AD or even a school president.
Take a shot. Your words are starting to slur, and you are now calling everyone “bro.” SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
After a few days of normalcy with interim coach Frank Wilson and LSU’s bye week, things take a turn when McNeese President Dr. Wade Rousse, a strong ally of Governor Landry, is rubberstamped as LSU’s new president. Rousse removes Ausberry’s interim but then backtracks at a public event the following day. He confuses everyone — and probably himself by stating “I don’t know what permanent means versus removing the interim.”
Take another shot. Hey, did you just doze off in mid-sentence? SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
The Ausberry title drama, who himself was once suspended by LSU due to a failure to report an incident to LSU’s Title IX office or authorities, is finally elevated from “acting” AD to permanent AD by Rousse.
Take a shot. Yes, you have imbibed so much that you just wet your pants. Don’t feel bad. It is certifiably a “wee wee in your drawers” kind of month. SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
Finally, last Saturday night, LSU’s intensely inspired defense and its $18 million roster were no match for rival Alabama. The Tigers’ heavily perspiring offense was putrid and failed to score a touchdown, preseason Heisman hopeful Garrett Nussmeier was benched, and the fed-up fan base began voicing rumors that Garrett was lazy and not a leader despite being awarded the prestigious No. 18.
Take a shot. You try drunk dialing your ex-girlfriend from college, but instead you have an uncomfortable conversation with a line cook at a fast-food restaurant explaining to them how you miss them as much as you do Nick Saban. By the way, neither are coming back. SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
Finally, you find out that BK has filed a lawsuit against LSU claiming that the school has not “formally terminated” him. It is revealed that the school is seeking to fire BK “for cause” to avoid paying the buyout. Attorney and buyout experts also state that there is zero chance of LSU winning the case.
Oh, and apparently school bylaws suggest that Woodward may never had the authority to fire BK, and the former coach’s suit is now being reviewed by the state’s attorney general.
No need to take another shot. You have taken so many shots in the past two weeks, that you feel that you have developed a problem.
Do not pass go and collect $200. Please advance to the rehab facility to dry out. Good luck and thanks for playing Bayou Buffoonery.
And be patient. The new drinking game “OMG, they hired THAT guy as head coach?” will start after Thanksgiving.
Raymond Partsch III is the co-host of “RP3 & Meche” which is broadcast weekdays (11-1) on ESPN 103.7 Lafayette and 104.1 Lake Charles — Southwest Louisiana’s Sports Station.