This is the one and only mock draft you need to check out prior to round one of the NFL Draft! What makes my mock draft better than all the other guess work garbage out there on the internet? No mock draft is as “lit” or “on fleek” or “HYPE” as this one! Plus I use funny names for each team. Listen to the entire mock draft episode from earlier today below as well!
****PLEASE NOTE THAT THE PATRIOTS DO NOT PICK IN ROUND 1 BECAUSE THEY CHEATED****
1. Los Angeles Rams: Jared Goff (QB – Cal)
This is the guy L.A. mortgaged their future for. This is the guy Jeff Fisher’s job depends on. This is the guy Hollywood has been waiting for.
2. Philthadelphia Eagles: Carson Wentz (QB – North Dakota St.)
This is the guy Philly has mortgaged their future on. This is the guy running Sam Bradford out of town. This is the guy the City of Brotherly Love has been waiting to boo.
3. Whale’s Vagina Chargers: Laremy Tunsil (OT – Ole Miss)
Tunsil used to be the best player in the draft but then the combine ended and agents began to sell sell sell and the sexy scouting reports swayed two teams to break the bank for quarterbacks. You build winners from the trenches and out. This is the safe pick for the Bolts.
4. Big D: Joey Bosa (DE – Ohio State)
The Cowboys need a pass rushing defensive end. Joey Bosa is a pass rushing defensive end and probably the best on paper in this draft. Most nerds are projecting Bosa to grab 8-10 sacks a season. Jalen Ramsey is probably going to be better but he plays in the secondary and when you have no pass rush like Dallas, the secondary is secondary.
5. Jags: Jalen Ramsey (DB – Florida State)
Best athlete in the draft. A lot of geeks are saying Myles Jack makes sense, but his knee is a big question mark. The Jags don’t want to get burned like they did last year when they took Dante Fowler from Florida and he got I.R.’ed during his first practice.
6. Baltimorons: DeForest Buckner (DE – Oregon)
The Ravens need a defensive end badly. The Ravens need an offensive tackle badly. Hopefully this decision gives John Harbaugh and Ozzie Newsome really bad headaches or really bad gas. Buckner is a terrifying specimen. My guess is they go defense since it’s Baltimore.
7. San Fran: Ronnie Stanley (OT – Notre Dame)
If Chip Kelly knows what’s good for him, he’ll take the best run blocker in the draft and not risk his second chance in the NFL on a QB or a running back who will end up hating his guts.
8. Factory of Sadness: Myles Jack (LB – UCLA)
Myles Jack is coming of a bad knee injury but he is as talented as any player in this draft. The Browns can find their leader on defense for years to come here. Who am I kidding? They are the Browns. Jack will be lucky if he has both legs at the end of the season if he goes to Cleveland.
9. Tampa Bay Suckaneers: Vernon Hargreaves III (DB – Florida)
The Bucs need an edge rusher but the question will be whether or not any of the remaining edge guys in this draft possess the playmaking ability of Vernon Hargreaves. Hargreaves has the fast twitch athleticism and the football pedigree to become a pro bowl cornerback.
10. Jints: Leonard Floyd (LB – Georgia)
The Giants defense flat out stunk last season. Eli Manning is even on record as saying he wouldn’t mind if they went heavy on defense in this draft. Leonard Floyd can provide speed and deceptive strength at a position NY has always valued. Similar to Barkevious Mingo in stature, Floyd when utilized correctly could end up being one of the most dangerous defensive weapons in the draft.
11. Da Bears: Shaq Lawson (DE – Clemson)
Matt Forte is gone and you’d think Chicago would want to replace him with Ezekial Elliot, but this is no time for picking running backs when your defense hasn’t been good since Brian Urlacher retired. Shaw Lawson is well rounded and will contribute to a defense already bolstered by free agent signings Danny Trevathan and Akiem Hicks.
12. The Aints: Sheldon Rankins (DT – Louisville)
Dang! Shaq Lawson was almost there at 12! Oh well. The only way for the Saints defense to go is up and Rankins is a safe pick to sure up the run D and provide a mean 1-2 interior pass rush with Nick Fairley.
13. Snowflake: Ezekial Elliot (RB -Ohio State)
Elliot is the total package in the backfield. He can run, catch and block. But can he help an offense achieve greatness with mediocrity personified Ryan Tannehill at QB?
14. Las Vegas Raiderz: Reggie Ragland (LB -Alabama)
Some folks are worried Ragland is a little too beefy to handle 3rd downs at middle linebacker but he was the leader of an NFL defense playing under Nick Saban. Plus he should be aided by Khalil Mack and Bruce Irvin getting all over quarterbacks like flies on $%!@.
15. Old Oilers: Jack Conklin (OT – Michigan State)
He’s not Laremy Tunsil, but it’s protection for that pencil neck geek Marcus Mariota and a solid piece of the run blocking puzzle that Tennessee hopes to put together so Demarco Murray can get back to what he was 2 years ago.
16. Motor City: Andrew Billings (DT – Baylor)
The Lions need help stuffing the run and Billings is the guy. He is an elite big ugly. He will stuff gaps, which will lessen the load for Haloti Ngata in the middle of the trenches. The thought of these two overwhelming offensive lines should have a Lions fan frothing at the mouth. It will take a quarduple team to block these 2 men.
17. Atlanta Failcons: Darron Lee (LB – Ohio State)
So fast and athletic just like Ryan Shazier was coming out of Ohio State. The Falcons are old and mediocre at linebacker. Darron Lee gives Atlanta a ton of athleticism behind Tyson Jackson and Vic Beasley, plus a little bit of swag. He is a coky S.O.B.
18. Baby Horsies: Ryan Kelly (C – Alabama)
Andrew Luck nearly died last season. Matt Hasselbeck had to take over and he nearly got killed because the Colt offensive line was such garbage. Not since Jeff Saturday have the Colts had a center worth a damn. Ryan Kelly can also play all over the line if need be.
19. Buffablow: Emmanuel Ogbah (DE – Oklahoma State)
Ogbah is freaky athlete who needs some polishing but has crazy measurables that are too good for a team trying to build a defense worthy of the Ryan name to pass up.
20. Ganggreen: Noah Spence (DE – Eastern Kentucky)
No more binkies, glow sticks and ecstasy for this guy! He’s out of the electronic dance scene. Moby, Skrillex, Dub Step Cowboys? Noah Spence is clean and focused and possible the best pure pass rusher in this draft. The Jets are definitely a team to watch when it comes to Paxton Lynch and trading up but I think it’ll be tame tonight and they will take Spence to take this front 7 to the next level after last year’s score when they drafted Leonard Williams.
21. Warshington: A’Shawn Robsinson (DT – Alabama)
The Deadskins need a center badly but Ryan Kelly is taken, so instead look for Warshington to either trade this pick or go with Robinson. Jarran Reed is from the same school and is better, but Warshington is dumb. They take the overrated player to fix their run stopping woes.
22. New Oilers: Corey Coleman (WR – Baylor)
After adding Brock Osweiler and Lamar Miller, the Texans offense has a brand new look. Corey Coleman ran a 4.3-40. He can take the top off of defenses. He gives Brock Osweiler a plethora of weapons to underachieve with.
23. Purple Rain: Laquan Treadwell (WR – Ole Miss)
Everyone and their mother knows Teddy Bridgewater needs help. Laquan Treadwell’s size and hands give Bridgewater more margin for error with his ability to catch the ball in traffic. Touchdown Vikings!
24. Bungles: Will Fuller (WR – Notre Dame)
Made big plays in college and has blazing speed. Small hands and smells like cabbage though. Fuller should be a solid complement to A.J. Green.
25. The Team with the Most Super Bowls: William Jackson III (DB – Houston)
Enough is enough. In 16 seasons as GM Kevin Colbert has never drafted a corner in the first round for Pittsburgh. The streak is over! William Jackson III has the size the Steelers like at corner just like Ike but without feet for hands.
26. Chickenhawks: Taylor Decker (OT – Ohio State)
Russell Okung is gone and Russell Wilson won’t be long for this league if he doesn’t get protected. J’Marcus Webb was signed to provide depth but Seattle needs more if they hope to keep Wilson upright and run the ball in a post Marshawn Lynch era.
27. Red Foreman’s Favorite Team: Jarran Reed (DT – Alabama)
Reed cannot be blocked by one mortal man. The Packers are weak at inside linebacker but Reed drops to 27 and is too good to pass up.
28. Chefs: Josh Doctson (WR – TCU)
The Chiefs could not run the two minute offense last postseason because they simply have no weapons. Their quarterback has a candy arm, but Doctson at least gives him another guy to not throw touchdowns to.
29. Cards: Robert Nkemdiche (DT – Ole Miss)
Forget the character issues. Arizona has been a great place for the Honey Badger. Arizona adds Nkdemdiche and it allows them to be more creative with the newly acquired Chandler Jones and where he lines up, plus it makes for one of the most intimidating fronts in all of the NFL, led by Calais Campbell.
30. Lightnin’ Fast Big Black Cats: Kevin Dodd (DE – Clemson)
Dodd’s amazing performance in the National Title game gave everyone a glimpse at what a beast he can be. Going to Carolina where D-Line coach Eric Washington and Riverboat Ron have developed and coached up rookies and vets alike to excel on the defensive front should give him the polish he needs to become a hellacious pass rusher in the league for a long long time.
31. Denver Elways: Chris Jones (DT – Mississippi State)
Chris Jones could instantly make the reigning, defending, undisputed Super Bowl Champions forget that they lost Malik Jackson to Jacksonville. He has the strength and he has the power to bull rush offensive tackles as a 3-4 end. He also has chops to rush the passer from the interior on 3rd down.