We all headed into this past weekend excited for the first football game of note since February. I was hyped. You were hyped. Everyone in Canton, Ohio was hyped for the Colts and Packers to usher in the football year with the Hall of Fame game! Unfortunately, due to a bad paint job the game was canceled. A new low for the NFL. A new low for the Pro Football Hall of Fame. A new low for us all as a football nation.
Honestly, preseason football is nothing to truly be excited about. The games do not count and all you are hoping for is that your team avoids any major injuries. I equate a preseason NFL game to passionless sex with ones wife or husband. The kind of sex one person really wants and the other person just kind of wants to get out of the way but is obligated to go through with as a loving and committed significant other. You mowed the lawn and cleaned the gutters and have been waiting patiently for her time of the month, so your wife goes through a harmless 5 minutes so you’re sleeping happy and she can go to bed with a clear conscience. It’s the same plot as the NFL preseason: none of it is something anyone will remember and you are going through it hoping for no injuries.
America was the husband doing his chores and patiently waiting for the end of that time of the month last nite. We have waited six months for kickoff and we were promised a nice evening of easing back into the good stuff. However, instead of being rewarded a sweet release of meaningless football, we were told to go handle our swelled up footballs ourselves in the bathroom. The NFL told us “not tonite honey, I have a headache, you understand right?” Sure we understand. We understand the field conditions were hazardous and threatened player safety. We understand it’s not the most important nite of football. It is okay honey, we will handle this pent up football love ourselves.
No one is really that upset that this game was canceled but a little sooner notice would have been nice, y’know? Not right as we had all this pent up hypertension as we yearned for sweet sweet football. At least preseason NFL would have been the real thing. Instead I had to find an Arena Football playoff stream online. The football equivalent of sitting at the computer with no pants on as you type in “redtube.com.” Such is life as a football fan and such is life as a devoted lover.
He or she might night be ready, willing, and able for a sexual eruption on the same nite you are. Field conditions might not always be good enough for a friendly exhibition. So we do what we can to get through another loveless evening without football, knowing everything is going to be alright because sooner or later we are going to have all we can handle. Rough nite’s like last nite be damned! A long and hard season is on the horizon. We just need to wait a few extra days that’s all. Football is coming. Get ready for the lovin’ America.